Monday, December 12, 2011

Insecurity Guard

I hate taking risks but I tend to do so anyway.
A professor once told me that I possess this trait because I am insecure.
He stated that I take big risks because there is no chance of my losing anything.
If I accomplish my goal - great.
If I fail - I was attempting the impossible anyway so there is really nothing lost.

I prefer easy wins but I tend to avoid them.
I like the rush of the come from behind victory.
It's not only important that I win but I seem to focus more on the way I win.
I'll try to position myself to have every tactical advantage but I tend to help my opponent improve his own skills during any given battle.

I'm a Cancer, an anomaly, a heretic... and I should be destroyed.
There is a natural flow to things, a traditional way of doing things and the establishment always rules.
But I cannot constrain myself to being part of the pack - even if given a leadership position.
I upset the cart, cause problems and stir the pot.
There is no reason we should become soft, luke-warm beings who have lost the God-given life which makes us unique.

I get whooped... A LOT.
I've lost fights, lost money, lost friends,... lost everything - yet I keep coming back.
Competition should be desired.
Moves are sometimes helpful.
Resistance builds strength.
Riches and comfort are the enemy of progress.

Cancers are 'cured', anomalies are 'corrected' or misunderstood, and heretics are burned - why would I expect to gain the approval of those who desire comfort and riches?
Why should I expect accolades from those who see me as being the problem I am?

I don't seek to be gaudy, ostentatious, bombastic, showy, grandiloquent nor pompous - I'm just trying to be a 'regular guy'.
But trying to fit in is the opposite of what those who seek to stand apart from or above others do.
Doesn't the media teach us that we are all suposed to be Super-Stars?

Maybe I lack the self-esteem to see my real value.
Maybe I'm too insecure to set myself above others.
Maybe I need to hang out with more self-proclaimed Divas, Kings and/or Queens.
Maybe I need a false title as well.
Maybe that professor was right.


CNu said...

My office neighbor has been a teacher for 43 years. A very small, white-haired old man who is literally certified to teach anything taught K-12, but whose fundamental subject is literature, the classics, mythology, and creative writing.

He is a literal island of lost children, no matter how "hard", "dangerous", or "broken" - and easily commands their respect, affection, and attention with a Bugs Bunny type of grace.

I call him grandpa A and it's for pretty much that same set of reasons I took to calling you uncle John.

DF said...

How about you see the end of the situation and you know all this competition and the like are fake anyway. The reason why you help your competition is to enlighten them to a higher plateau of thinking if they would stop trying to beat you and just learn what you are doing.

How do you sit there and get made like others on a problem when you already have a solution? So you can't and I can't fit in because I don't see the world the way they see the world.

Has anything really been challenging to you in life? Probably not and even though you like to take the underdog position you never think for one second you won't be prosperous right? You are just scientifically trying and failing in order to gain understanding but never to really win.

You see the forrest and they see the trees... NO maybe you see the universe and they see the trees. All you can do is keep a low profile because you are not here mentally with the rest of the folk you physically break bread with.